Maybe I need to write. I write for many reasons, sometimes, because I have an idea or something I need to say, but most of the time I write for the sole purpose, to just clear my head. Now’s one of those times, the past few weeks have been stressful to say the least, a couple of constant naggings and impatience on my part, left me confused and irritated. The whole of Saturday went with my left eye twitching. It was annoying but i need I had a problem, edgy all the time and highly irritable. Then I thought to myself, what helps me clear my head? Writing, but then again I’m lazy, but I can’t go on like this. So anyway, let me make some tea, and I’ll continue…….
I’ve learn’t something about life “Sometimes people suspect things about you that are true, it’s pointless trying to prove them wrong, the best thing you can do, is to prove them right.”
For years we have been using diaries and journals to record and make sense of our innermost thoughts, and guess what? It works. Psychologists have even realized that it’s way more effective than communicating your thoughts with someone.
Things have been eating my mind, you know. It’s hard to take time away, to live in solitude for a couple of days in this age of technology, you’re always getting emails, messages and phone calls no matter how far you run, but you may ask, “Why don’t you switch of your phone?”. Cause at the end of the day, we all want to be connected in some way, and we never want to miss a thing, so we have to find otherwise of de-stressing. We’re all pressured into doing things we don’t want to, to communicating with people we don’t like (some family members - lol), and to be someone else rather than who we are. I hate driving with people having to turn down the music, or to change my clothes when family comes over, because to some people, I dress inappropriately. Sometimes I wish I could just say “fuck off, enjoy your day”:D, unfortunately I can’t, it isn’t socially acceptable, we’re all trying to be accepted.
But as Lucifer said when he was being cast down to hell, “Why serve in heaven, when I can reign in hell?” Beautiful quote, from a demon that’s more human than any off us. Now again, before my words get twisted, and I get called a devil worshiper, like many times in the past and still today on occasion. I should just clarify, that I am an “atheist”, the idea of the devil, is just as silly as the idea of God, I believe neither exist. Another thing I get criticized for, I’m not going to get into my argument here, as I’ve already argued these ideas many times before. I don’t care what you call me cause of my lack of belief, it’s not going to change. What pisses me of is when some people see the light, the expect everyone to see it. Our lives and journeys are different, stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours.
There are some pressing issues I need to address, an emptiness inside me I need to fill and some questions I need answers to. I guess no matter how much you ignore a mosquito, it’s still going to be there, irritating you. Tired of ignoring it, it feels like my equilibrium has been unbalanced, my identity has been tainted. Twisting and turning to blend in, turning away from those I like, because others don’t like them. Well, I guess it’s time to set things straight. To clear the air, to sterilize the soul.
I’m probably fucking insane, but my insanity, has served me well, and it’s time I give something back.
NB – The idea of routine has always been ridiculous, spontaneity on the other hand has been radically resilient. Keep that in mind.