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Identity crisis

Maybe I need to write. I write for many reasons, sometimes, because I have an idea or something I need to say, but most of the time I write for the sole purpose, to just clear my head. Now’s one of those times, the past few weeks have been stressful to say the least, a couple of constant naggings and impatience on my part, left me confused and irritated. The whole of Saturday went with my left eye twitching. It was annoying but i need I had a problem, edgy all the time and highly irritable. Then I thought to myself, what helps me clear my head? Writing, but then again I’m lazy, but I can’t go on like this. So anyway, let me make some tea, and I’ll continue…….

I’ve learn’t something about life “Sometimes people suspect things about you that are true, it’s pointless trying to prove them wrong, the best thing you can do, is to prove them right.”

For years we have been using diaries and journals to record and make sense of our innermost thoughts, and guess what? It works. Psychologists have even realized that it’s way more effective than communicating your thoughts with someone.

Things have been eating my mind, you know. It’s hard to take time away, to live in solitude for a couple of days in this age of technology, you’re always getting emails, messages and phone calls no matter how far you run, but you may ask, “Why don’t you switch of your phone?”. Cause at the end of the day, we all want to be connected in some way, and we never want to miss a thing, so we have to find otherwise of de-stressing. We’re all pressured into doing things we don’t want to, to communicating with people we don’t like (some family members - lol), and to be someone else rather than who we are. I hate driving with people having to turn down the music, or to change my clothes when family comes over, because to some people, I dress inappropriately. Sometimes I wish I could just say “fuck off, enjoy your day”:D, unfortunately I can’t, it isn’t socially acceptable, we’re all trying to be accepted.

But as Lucifer said when he was being cast down to hell, “Why serve in heaven, when I can reign in hell?” Beautiful quote, from a demon that’s more human than any off us. Now again, before my words get twisted, and I get called a devil worshiper, like many times in the past and still today on occasion. I should just clarify, that I am an “atheist”, the idea of the devil, is just as silly as the idea of God, I believe neither exist. Another thing I get criticized for, I’m not going to get into my argument here, as I’ve already argued these ideas many times before. I don’t care what you call me cause of my lack of belief, it’s not going to change. What pisses me of is when some people see the light, the expect everyone to see it. Our lives and journeys are different, stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours.

There are some pressing issues I need to address, an emptiness inside me I need to fill and some questions I need answers to. I guess no matter how much you ignore a mosquito, it’s still going to be there, irritating you. Tired of ignoring it, it feels like my equilibrium has been unbalanced, my identity has been tainted. Twisting and turning to blend in, turning away from those I like, because others don’t like them. Well, I guess it’s time to set things straight. To clear the air, to sterilize the soul.

I’m probably fucking insane, but my insanity, has served me well, and it’s time I give something back.

NB – The idea of routine has always been ridiculous, spontaneity on the other hand has been radically resilient. Keep that in mind.

Yours truly

Haroon Sader

 

“Crimes against humanity – Questioning who and what we are”.

Are we sheep in wolves clothing, or wolves in sheep’s clothing? There are 3 situations that broke my heart. I always ask myself this one begging question, what’s more important? Mercy or justice?

We turn on each other in the blink of an eye, no religion, no laws and no regulations can change anything. We can’t cure evil, we can barely fight it and we barely acknowledge it. We will be creators of our own demise. The architects of or own extinction. And quite frankly, I fucking give up. No amount of justice can undo the crimes against humanity. The scars never heal, the memories never fade, the soul never rests and the heart never beats again. The killers may leave the victims alive, at least on the outside, but in reality, they are corpses, mere shadows of who they once were. The past can never be undone.

“The Orphan”

A little girl’s parents had both passed away, he next of kin is her aunt. An evil aunt in the purest sense. With nowhere left to go, the girl has to endure the beatings and have to see the marks left behind on her body. I’d seen them, I hadn’t a solution. Forced into child labor because the aunt has no heart. Sometimes reality is the worst nightmare, often with no escape.

“The family of abusers”

A mom, 3 daughters and her husband. After around 20 years of psychological and physical abuse, the women steps forward unable to cope anymore. She finds consolation and peace with her family and friends, and yet unable to leave her past behind. The psychological conditioning is much like Stockholm’s syndrome, where the victim develops and emotional bond with the victimizer as a survival mechanism or strategy. Still finding pity and forgiveness for the husband and daughters who have been abusing her, her entire life. Ultimately it’s the husbands doing in creating monsters of his daughters. Yes, his in jail, but the past cannot be undone, her life has been taken from her and there’s no recovery.

“The suicide”

This is the worst case. A mother walks into the bedroom on day to find her child daughter’s, naked with the stepfather. I need not say anything more. Hours later, the attempts suicide, but is saved in time, after a few days in the hospital she inevitably dies. Only time can tell if justice will be served, but justice is nothing more than a word in the society we live in today.

These are all true stories that happened close to home.

I’m not proud to be part of the race that is human. A race that kills, hurts and destroys its own. A race that is fueled with evil, a race that can’t be cured. We need not Satan to be evil and need not God to be good. We are who we are. I and you have a choice, we have many. We could aim for a peaceful life, a life close to happiness, I say close to happiness because none of us can truly be happy in this world. Fight evil or run from it, but never be a part of it.

Yours Truly

Haroon Sader

Guilty

There’s a difference. A psycho-path is selfish, and don’t have hearts to begin with. Most of us become heartless when our hearts are broken and ripped out of our chests. Our hearts stop beating and yet we find that we’re still breathing and still alive. We can’t change how we feel inside, sometimes we want revenge, sometimes we should feel guilty, we know we should but we don’t, is there anything wrong with that? no, I think its human nature to be numb sometimes.Human nature to not care anymore, to think “fuck this shit”, I’m looking out for myself. Although innately our super-ego’s know what is right and wrong and yet our conscience remains silent, we wonder why? I’ts normal, we all have a dark side, and I truly believe that sometimes we have to let go and embrace it. Sometimes. We’re not saints, we make mistakes, we’re imperfectly perfect.I often pity psycho-paths, cause they don’t “feel” like we do, they can’t love, and they can’t empathize, It’s a roller-coaster, they find the need to lie, cause their afraid (pathologically). Man the things I’ve seen :|, I know serial arsonists, pathological liars, stalkers, and people that have promiscuous relationships, without any moral constraints.The only thing I feel for them is pity. I can’t seem to fathom their intentions. And yet , I know guys, that have been hurt, I know people that have been abused, I know victims of crimes, and hey, being heartless is the only way they can move on, their not to blame. Everything has an origin, you know cause and effect. Motive and action. I’m just saying, keep it real, and do what you have to do for you. Harm no other and do as ye will, that’s all.We can’t feel guilty for not feeling guilty.

Yours truly 

Haroon Sader

Eye to Eye

I’ll start this of with a question, a question I’ve recently found myself asking myself. “We all would like others to see the world through our eyes”. There will be less conflict, and things would be so much easier. But. How can we expect others to see the world through our eyes, when we can’t see it through theirs? We can barely see eye to eye. It will never change, the old have their views and the young have theirs. Both disagree and think the other is foolish.Frankly, it’s easier to expect others to bend their morals then to bend your own. Nobody want’s to compromise, and nobody wants to apologize. there is no other way , but the ways of others. If I am wrong, then we are all wrong. We’re never on the same wavelength and each and everyone of us, despite what we deceive ourselves into thinking, has a mind that is narrow. We rarely share views,perspective. We’ll never compromise, I know I wont, we will try and see the world through each others eyes, but will never succeed. We are hard headed, we irrationally fool ourselves into thinking that we are rational.We cannot agree, but there is one thing we can do, we can accept. Accept it, accept it. 

Yours truly

Haroon Sader

Nelson Mandela

We’re all going to die, its not our goal to live forever, but rather to create something that will. - unknown

Nelson Mandela passed away but he left a legacy. He was the epitome of humanity. A modern day messiah in my opinion. He put the needs of mankind before his own. He lived a selfless and rewarding life to say the least and he had a major path in shaping the future of the “born free’s”. He made the impossible possible,he had a vision and spent his life to make that vision a reality. He gave South Africa, something it never had, freedom. Mandela is gone, but in each and everyone of us, he will live forever. May he’s soul rest in peace and may we take the lessons learn’t from him and apply them in what he intended. Let us use our freedom in the right way. Many of use use the freedom he made possible in a negative sense. He fought for wellbeing and not destruction. Don’t destroy yourselves and never take it for granted. He see through color, gender, age, sex to see us for what we really are, human. We’re all the same and Nelson made us see that too. We’re equal and we need each-other. Strive to be like him instead of the self-destructive stars on TV. There’s one thing I’ve learn’t about life,when you give something, you’ll always get less back, it’s the truth, but the only way you can get something is if you give it. He gave each and everyone of us his life, the least we can give him is to use the gifts that his given us in the right way. I appreciate it and just want to thank you Mr. Mandela. I cannot imagine apartheid as I was born when it ended, but I know racism and I hate it. It’s not worth it, racist people will never be happy, cause you’ll be surrounded by the things you hate. Take what he taught us, I don’t expect you to put the world first, but just put someone else first once a day, and trust me, it’s only a matter of time before they put you first. I’ll keep this short, cause I just woke up.Look at your friends, the white guy, the black guy, the Indian guy, Nelson Mandela made that possible. Thank you. We are all one and never forget that. Discrimination will never end, people will still hate the gays and lesbians, the foreigners and anyone who is just a bit different. Though each of us have a part to play in this world, we can each think and say no to hate. We all have a choice. 

Let’s stop killing one another and start loving one another.

Yours truly

Haroon Sader

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Motive

It’s not so important that one commits an act with an undesired outcome but rather the reason or “motive” of said act. That’s what interests me, and has been my primary reason for being for quite some time now. I thought to myself “before I leave this world, I have to know why”. These are recollections of some of my personal experiences and discoveries, the patterns I’ve found and the insidious mentalities of the said persons.
Here are the steps that create a killer and rudiments in which they are destroyed, it’s starts with an urge, an addiction before trying something, the addiction itself, obsession, the act, furthering the magnitude of obsession, evolution, devolution, and the mental breakdown, recklessness ,frenzied mentality and ultimately the arrest or self destruction of the perpetrator

Where we stand

Where we stand

If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for nothing. You only know where you stand, if you know you won’t run away. There’s one thing worse than not knowing where you’re going, is not knowing and forgetting where you come from. We reach our destinations forgetting the journey, the trials, tribulations, pitfalls, the difficulties  and our successes, the make us who we are today, leave the past behind where it belongs, but never forget it. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t easy being present minded or mindful, to the here and now, but it is possible. All we have to do, is stop running, breathe and take account of everything, regardless of how infinitesimal our insignificant it may seem. In life, there is no need to focus on the huge parts of it, but rather the small things. You’ve heard it before, but indeed, the small things are what count and make all the difference. The moments, when after you’re done with them, then do you only remember “life”, those moments we truly are alive in are what matter, and we need nothing else. I’ve reached my goals in life at a young age, and I know how it feels. For a while, it feels like you’re high, you think nothing will take this feeling away, and like all drugs, it leaves the system and you just keep wanting more, you realize that this new feeling will never end. Its human nature to want more, and you wonder what’s going to happen next, you burn yourself out and know you’ll never be able to keep up with yourself. When you throw yourself out there, like you, everyone just keeps wanting more.

Never try and be a saint, it’ll only were you out before you snap. Go ahead and love, hate, envy, its human nature, its pointless trying to fight it. Look out for others and look out for yourself. Here’s a rule I live by, forget turning the other cheek, but never throw the first punch, but if a punch is thrown, give it your all and fight. Never be dishonored, in death nobody remembers the guy that gave up, but they always remember the guy that didn’t. Yeah the world does suck, again, I’m not here to prove otherwise. The victims are never remembered but only the killers. It’s true and I hate it. You see the guys that have everything, or so it seems and the guys that have nothing, fighting just to survive. Their dreams are as big as their hearts, you always find that those with the least have the most to give. That’s humanity right there. We’re individuals merely trying to fit it, at the end of the day we sleep alone, you may be sharing a bed, but nobody shares everything with anyone else. Those inner demons, only we know exist. Those mistakes and regrets. Those hopes and dreams. When trying to be normal, we kill that inner part of us that makes us who we are. Your friends and family don’t need a copy cat, they need you, and it’s time we realize that. People need us for who we are, not who we think we want to be and certainly not who we think we should be. It’s time we realize how small we are, the world is billions of years old, and we live for a mere fraction of time. We’re insignificant to the world, but mean the world to those around us. We’re different, that makes us bond, and we’re all the same and that makes us care. We can empathize, and sympathize, but then again we can criticize and judge. This life doesn’t belong to us alone, I’ve said this before, but I can’t stress it enough. The life I have is as much mine as it is to everyone I come in contact with, whether it be just saying hello, or falling in love. We may be insignificant but our encounters and relationships with other human beings are significant indeed. We mimic behavior and share emotions as human beings, in psychology it’s called transference. We all try our best to be on the same wave length as everyone else. Your smile and enthusiasm can spread, you may not make anyone happy, but you’ve made them smile and that’s the first step. We may stand alone, but all that matters is that we stand. Stand for something and know what it is. We can’t unite, but we can hold the hands of those around us, and become one. Now think, get up, stand up and fight for what is yours, chase what you want, but be wise enough to know when it’s time to give up. We’ll all fail, but I want you to be the one that tries……. Just one last time.

Yours truly

Haroon Sader

The choice is yours

“The choice is yours”

The sun makes its way through the gaps in between the curtains. Its morning a new day, a day filled with nothing but potential but the hand brake is up in his mind. The memories of the past fixated and running rampant preventing any possibility of free thought. There is nothing that fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it. All he can do is try. He looks at the mirror and fails to recognize the face he’s seeing, the world has turned him into a stranger, and he’s a stranger to himself. Life is manageable only by obsession, by addiction. That hope that one day he wouldn’t have to escape, that one day he’ll be able to deal with it. From shaking hands with death to making deals with the devil, no stone has been left unturned searching and constantly seeking for answers, only to be bombarded with even more questions. He thinks to himself while having some coffee with his headache pills, “The worst thing we as human beings can experience isn’t death, but life”. “There are two types of people in this world, the pessimistic and the delusional”. “Happy endings don’t really happen, we don’t find happiness, we don’t succeed, and we don’t cope. Or am I wrong?” he thinks.

There’s stability in his life, a smooth ride, but his mind remains uneasy, restless. Is it all for nothing? “I pity every one of us, none of us asked to be here, to fight for survival and to not know, why we’re here or where we going. We lack direction and purpose, reason and meaning, and yet we still try. If that isn’t a miracle, I don’t know what is. We get sick, our hearts break, we cry, we hurt and we completely fall apart. Then again, we love, we smile and we care. It’s a balance, the perfect blend of love and hate, of good and evil, light and darkness. There is no point to it though. We all escape, we listen to music, and we watch movies and hope for the things we don’t have like love, like adventure. We take drugs to ease the pain, we put our lives in danger just to remind ourselves that we’re alive.

He couldn’t take it and the disaster left him resurrected. The unease, the conflict and the awareness and perspective, brought on by nothing less than obsession. Obsession is his escape, a drug addiction. When putting together the puzzle, he realizes that some of the pieces are missing. The image is too foreign to decipher, and the box didn’t come with any clues or directions. That’s the case with life, all we can do is find something worth living for. When there are a million reasons to die, we as human beings need to just one, to live. We want to survive although we may not know why. It’s hope, its faith.

The face in the mirror, speaks to him, just saying a few words. “Get up, walk and never look back”. Keep moving, it doesn’t matter where you’re going, no one knows where we’re going to end up, but all that matters is that you’re moving. The more you see the less you know, keep it simple, but remember that it nothing worth anything is ever simple. Love doesn’t conquer all, faith doesn’t cure the sick and eyes don’t always see. We can’t live in denial, life can’t be about “impressing” others, about instant gratifications, about studying, working, getting married, having kids and dying. There must be more to it, we have one shot, it’s about time we think things through, it’s time we look inside and see where we want to end, and word towards the end goal. The only thing worse than going backwards or standing still, is not knowing where you want to end up. Death is our final chapter, we know the ending of this book, but the rest remains unwritten. We each have this book called life, we could choose to be the hero or villain, and we can choose the life we live. We have the potential to write whatever we want, the pen is in your hand. Now stop witnessing things, start taking chances and screw what may happen, just keep writing and pushing, and trying. Live for yourself, do what makes you happy, we got one shot at this, it may not count, we may not make it to our destinations but all that matters is that we enjoy the ride. Screw, meaning and purpose, life has none and it’s time we accept that, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy it. We may never truly be happy, but that doesn’t mean we can’t smile. The past is gone it’s time we accept that, and soon we will be gone too.

You have a choice now, to change or not. The choice is yours.

Yours truly

Haroon Sader

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