Gun fire left holes in his heart. The window of his soul which he used to view the world had been shattered. The endless dark began and his love had been killed. He stayed in an altered world, swearing he’d survive even though deep inside he didn’t want to .then she came along…
Sometimes people seek the truth ,not because its lost. They seek it cause they are.
“Always play the hand you’re dealt”
Searching for answers has become my life, but frankly I’m tired of it. Questioning myself only to witness that what I’m seeking is but an hallucination, and illusion if you must. When reality is unbearable, fragile and distorted, who can blame me? I find myself and escape artist, in the sense that I use my art to escape the truth. Quite frankly the truth sucks, complexities are the main cause, idea after idea, theory after theory, the world feeding us with “new discoveries”. We are slowly getting left behind, the worlds moving too fast, and I for one, want it to slow down, just enough to catch my breath and find my feet. Too many variables to take into consideration, distorting my vision and making simple decisions hard to make. In a “logical” minded world, there’s no room for intuition and “gut feelings”, emotion is lost somewhere between the lines. I can’t take it anymore.The mistakes I’ve made haunt me, how I long, to turn back the hands of time. When you completely lose yourself, that’s the only time you’ll truly find yourself, I’ve learn’t. When you get a dose of “wake up”, you realize that you’re so influenced, by the opinions of those that don’t matter, and they’re words are worth less than two cents. I’m a pessimist, I’ve always been, always wanting more. But that’s human nature hey.
So I’m closing the doors to the journeys I’ll never take, closing the curtains to the things I don’t want to see, and looking inside myself, only to find out, that what I really want, is within my reach. A few months ago, I learn’t that free will is an illusion, it’s backed by psychology and I agree with it. Has it changed my life knowing the fact, that what I knew for certain i had control over was an illusion. Yes it has, it’s given me so many answers. I no longer care, how we came into the world, who or what created us, doom’s day etc. None of that effects the fact that we are here today. I don’t care anymore. It’s okay, when the world questions you, but never question yourself, never. The place where you are now, is where you’re supposed to be, every split second, every external factor, every experience and every bit of knowledge you have, all put together,is “you”, right here, right now.
:), I’ll never know the answers to all my questions, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve been speaking to someone quite a bit, and she’s waking me up, with her view of the world.
Stay true to you…
I live in a world you’d rather choose to ignore. Just because you ignore something or don’t believe in something, doesn’t mean that it’s not there.
Last night I had a dream about a magic battle, magicians fought till the end. When my turn came, questions I had were answered.I then woke up
In a world of lies, the love is lost between the lines…
12:01 pm, Thursday, April 18th, 2013
One of these days I gonna take everything I’ve been holding on to, and just drop it. There’s somethings I’ve been holding on to that I don’t need anymore, but I guess I’m just addicted.One off these days I’ll forget the ghosts of my passed and release my present demons. One of these day’s I’ll overcome my fears. One of these days I’ll wake up, and stay awake. One of these days my insomnia will let me sleep.One of these days, I’ll say goodbye to you, I’ll leave some people and some things behind. One of these days, I’ll be high, on life that is. One of these days, the things that matter won’t anymore. One of these days, I’ll find my way… One of these days I’ll cure the disease I’ve given me.
One of these days I’ll set myself free.
That day isn’t far away, that day is today…
Imagine this, a leaking pipe, just a tiny hole in it. Leaks a bit, but we all know that amount of water wasted with a simple tiny leak. Like a cancer discovered in it’s infancy, ever so slightly, easier to treat. When problems arise solve them as soon as you know something is wrong, as soon as you’re in conflict with others and more often than not, yourself. Yesterday I had kinda a rough day, I didn’t know what the problem was until this evening. It was merely 3 events that lasted no longer than 5 minutes each. Alone they would have had little or no effect on my mood, but together, in just the right amount of time in between each event, the effects were combined and it really screwed up my day. The past few weeks have really been stressful and this tiny push over the edge was exactly what I needed to snap back to reality.
Just learnt, that when one feels uneasy, it is best to do some introspection and look at what happened to cause that feeling. The most infinitesimal change in your routine may mess you up, alone, it won’t have an effect, but other tiny changes combined may mess you up. It’s how, sometimes it seems like we’re over reacting about something small, like someone not doing something we want or expect them to do, can’t think of an example right now but I hope you get what I am trying to say. It’s just that something tiny may just push us over the edge. Fix things while they can still be fixed. The important things in life like , relationships, personalities and hearts, can never be replaced but protected and fixed but only if it happens when it isn’t too late.Act now and save yourself tommorow.
Drawing inspiration from the chaos that is my mind. Inspiration for me comes from movies, music and madness. The mind is sick, but I have a cure, this isn’t for everyone and you may think I’m insane, it doesn’t matter. It’s all theory at the moment but I see the practicality of the idea.
We all have problems, I’m not here to solve your tangible problems, just to help with the psychological ones. The boundaries created in our own minds, the false beliefs, the illogical fears, the guilt, regret and so on. I do this cause, I too suffer from a diseased mind. Getting deeper and deeper into understanding it, piece by piece, neuron by neuron and thought by thought. The more I know the less I like, but atleast I stand with an enlightened opinion. My opinion is my own and not the opinion given to me by me peers and people that think they know more. Every experience, every bit of knowledge and every memory, whether real or imagined have all been accounted for, not on a conscious level but rather a subconscious one. The unrelated concepts filtered out of the equation, all I’m left with are the bare essentials I need to answer the question. Too many variables will indeed screw me up. “you think too much Haroon”, I’ve been told. Only now have I realised the negative repercussions of doing so.
Life in essence is simple, pure and undeniable. Relationships are everything, we are the beginning and end of what we know. Love is by far the most amazing thing ever. The connection two people of different worlds share, cannot be falsified or questioned. It is as real as anything.
Limitless _ chipping away at the things, I don’t want to be a part of me. I have been rules by fear for a major part of my life. I’m not afraid to step on peoples toes though. I’ll argue if I disagree with you. But yet still rules by something imagined. The fear of something happening that I’m not certain about. “how can you fear something, if you’re not sure it’ll happen?”. We think we can predict the future, we can’t. So we fear things that may never be and let the could’ve be’s slip away.
Regret, we are then filled with it. “I wont make that mistake again”. We think we’ve changed as as time goes, our history repeats itself. I know I’m being vague, yet I hope I’m clear enough for you to relate to what I’m saying , just to a certain extent.
The epiphany or “wake up call”. Life is short as we know but not short enough for us to do anything about living it properly. We lose friends and family to accidents, murder, unforseen disease and suicide. We get a wake up call. “life is short”, we say. We live better for a few days and slowly we drift back to where we started.
Break the cycle… I’ll explain how, very soon..
Happiness ,is not constant, it’s like patches in life that come and go. We may never be happy but we will experience happiness. _ Haroon Sader
“Insanity, like sleep… Is merely another state of consciousness”. “The only difference is, we may never wake up from it”. - Haroon Sader
It’s 10:50 am, the morning is quite chilly, okay, it’s really cold. In a state of sleep deprivation my piece didn’t get saved last night. I must have tried saving it, without a network connection. This would make it my second attempt in writing this. As much as I hate technology, I’ve come to grips that it makes life easier if a certain amount of care is taken. Writing in a notebook doesn’t allow for lost work, but then I’d rather lose an hours amount of work due to technology than a years worth, due to losing my notebook. That’s the reason I’m sticking to this. To the writers out there, you will know that nothing beats a hard-copy, newspaper clippings, posters and CD collections hold quite a bit of sentimental value. Taking pictures and looking at them on your digital device, has an aesthetic that’s missing, which we will only find when looking in an actual photo album. The pages turned, the photos that didn’t come out too good the memories and experiences once shared. Anyway enough with me rambling about sentimentalism.
This passed week as been quite illuminating for me. The weekend in question was a major epiphany in itself. The experiences and emotions where heightened to a point, I’ve never experienced ever before. Entering an altered state of consciousness, and this time it wasn’t alone but with people all leaving this world and creating their own. I know it was something else, as it’s spoken about in psychology, it would be termed as “manic”, heart rates, respiration and galvanic skin response was increased. The mind was opened to suggestion like never before. The choice to let go was invariably mine. All I had in my mind, where questions. Some of which have been answered. Some of the answers are vague. In psychology they teach us to, when concluding a psychological experiment, we should never say we’ve proved or disproved something. They say that nothing is ever certain in psychology. Scientists sometimes even disregard psychology as a science, that’s why I love it. Just like philosophy, they think, it’s impractical and doesn’t hold any weight in the “real world”. But I will tell you, that it does. It’s unbelievable, the approaches thought in psychology have given me understandings of things that people say, “you’ll never understand”.
The mind is limitless, flawed but limitless. We can induce, extreme concentration, we can change focus, and we can remain in a room but travel the world. We can tell when people are lying, we can predict their actions. Nothing is certain, but there’s no fun in certainty, no adventure, only innovation and invention. The truth is found, the sad truth. Day by day, theory by theory, the world is becoming clearer, myths are forgotten and facts re-written. Looking inside, I know who I am, for now,some of which I like and some of which I don’t but it’s true, and in a world full of lies, nothing beats the truth. Looking forward to the future, but all I know is that all I’ll ever be certain about is “here”.
I’ve but an hour to gather my thought and put them into, hopefully understandable words. I’m slowly coming to grips with what I think is the sad and true reality. The real one. Human nature is flawed to say the least, in a world seeking perfection, I know it’s merely a matter of perception. I’ve met a perfect person, I’m sure I’ve seen a flawless piece of art too, listened to a perfect song and perhaps watched a perfect movie. Now when we seek perfection, we’re surely going to.find it. But I’m afraid to say that perfection doesn’t exist, just like the “paranormal”, we will find it if we search for it. What we find may be an hallucination or a false reality created in our magnificent, yet small minds.
In my endeavours journeying into the human psyche, I find things that I don’t like. The human design is flawed, we know that, but the mind is greatly flawed too. In hours of leaving my body in a place and going deep into my conscious awareness all I find is uncertainty, amazement and uniqueness. Let me elaborate. We may be in the same room as let’s say, 5 people, we may be dancing to the same song, drinking the same thing and sharing the experiences. the difference in each of consciousness in a normal situation, with normal mental states in our daily routines, would be indistinguishable from one another. We would then accept that our realities at that given moment are pretty much constant and to a certain level, pretty similar. Only once we enter an altered state do we realise that reality is all in our minds, it’s not the environment, weather, activities or company. This is what blew my mind at a certain point, but now I’m coming to grips with the magnitude of the concept we call reality.
Walking around a room, feeling pretty insane, acting pretty insane,or so I thought. Has showed me a light, I didn’t like what I found, as it just complicates things even more. Then again the question wasn’t a simple one and therefore the answer should not be a simple answer. As I walked around the room and began speaking to everyone. The truth came out, we all had our “own realities”. I recorded everything to help me better understand it better later. Memories are unreliable _ witness statements are often unreliable,the colors of cars change, the numbers on a number plate morph into others. personalities flawed _ paranoid, personality disorders and psychopathy.Minds diseased_ schizophrenia, depression. Time too is inconsistent in our minds, some days feel longer than others and vice versa. So what then makes “reality” so perfect and how can we be so sure that it’s even there? I may sound insane, but I’m not. Insanity is classified or defined as the inability to make your “own” decisions or should I say an insane person has no “free will”. I question everything, reality was the last thing to question but it was inevitable that I would end up stumbling upon it. It scared me, I thought I lost my mind, but who truly has theirs? In a flawed world, all I can say is that everything is flawed. Paradise is apparently perfect, answer this question… “what is perfect?” Then we’ll talk about paradise. Before believing in the unseen, know what is real. People like to think about how much they know, rather take the time to think about what you don’t. Look inside yourself before looking outside. Grudge and judge no one, instead fix yourself up. This journey will never end, where you end up is up to you. living without direction is like driving in circles. Success is not as important as direction. Remember that.
The past few weeks I felt like I’m fading,
My mind slowed down while my heart was racing.
The dreams I’ve been having keep replacing the thoughts I had, I knew for certain that change was coming, I knew I was going to be reborn and now is the time, the end of the beginning. To be reborn I must die, I know that it’s over as I look over my shoulder , I know it’s over.